Comics Movies: Jonah Hex

Staying at the girlfriend’s makes it hard to fit in blogging. I’ll post content for every day, I promise, even if it’s several days late.

So I saw Jonah Hex the other day. It was terrible.

I’ve not read the comic, but from discussions I’ve read and heard on it, I get the impression that Jonah Hex is supposed to be seriously badass. The movie’s biggest failure was that he wasn’t. If he had been, he wouldn’t have needed gatling gun armed horses or dynamite crossbows. He just would have needed a couple of six guns and maybe a Winchester rifle. His enemies should have been the ones with dynamite crossbows, which would have been insufficient to stop him.

The second problem is that Megan Fox was completely unnecessary to the movie. The only thing she accomplished were, again, to make Jonah Hex seem less badass, and to waste the studio’s money. I can’t imagine she was cheap to employ, and she only showed up for maybe fifteen minutes of the movie, and provided nothing of substance as far as the plot was concerned.

For that matter, most of the non-badguy characters were pretty unessential. The only people really needed were President Grant, a nameless lackey to carry messages for President Grant, and Jonah Hex. And the magical Native Americans, I guess, to save him, but they weren’t really characters so much as a convenient plot device.

Beyond that, it just wasn’t very good. The action scenes weren’t that exciting. The dialogue was terrible, and not even in the hokey Western cliche way you’d expect. It was just bad. Worst of all, the climactic action scene was disjointed and confusing; there was some sort of psychic fight between Hex and the badguy that they kept switching to away from the real fight, and then there were random flashes of Megan Fox looking scared; I’m not even sure if she was fighting anyone or what. It was possibly the least exciting climactic fight I’ve ever seen.

Short version: When I can honestly say, “The best parts of this movie are the nuclear dragonballs and the dog, even though the dog contributes nothing to the plot,” you know a movie has problems.

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